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Week oneIssue 2 of 6

The BZ Chronicle

SquallyIsland weather, Wed

All the news the island lets us print

Vol. 2026-10No. 2PvE Zombies edition

Week one29 days left in the season

Air traffic

Curious George falls 1,510 metres and opens his parachute for the last 35.6

On the island's first evening, one resident spent half a second under canopy and the rest of the descent without one.

On Thursday evening, with the sky over the new island still entirely clear, Curious George stepped into 1,510 metres of air and began the journey down.

The parachute opened at 35.6 metres. He spent half a second beneath it. By the island's own records it was a parachute in the sense that a door held open for half a second is a welcome.

The paper has no account of how the landing went and has decided not to ask. The ground, which had watched the whole approach, is not saying either.

The Wire

Thu 15:19. Jagawatz landed a small trout.

Thu 22:51. TooBy started a crate at Military Tunnel and settled in to wait for it.

Fri 12:25. ConnorVIII took 444 scrap off the wheel at Bandit Camp.

Fri 23:19. BudsMcKenzie cast a line and brought back nothing at all.

Sat 01:21. The cargo ship left the island's waters in the small hours.

Sat 01:49. LorD won a purge.

Sat 22:42. synysterlad pulled a salmon out of the water late on Saturday.

Mon 20:26. shadowbro fell 2,255 metres and opened his parachute at 69.8 metres, which this week counts as caution.

Wed 04:14. Sturby went fishing and caught a pair of diving fins.

Wed 05:05. The Bawb won 102 scrap on the wheel at Bandit Camp.

The Deep

King_Quackers raises 31 crates from the deep in a quarter of an hour

The seabed had a busy week, and some residents stayed down there long enough to be mistaken for it.

Early on Monday morning King_Quackers brought up 31 underwater crates inside 15 minutes, the best burst of the week. CyDEAL managed 30 in the same span on Thursday evening, and lays had already opened the account that afternoon with 21.

The deep also kept company. TinglyMcMoist went in on Sunday afternoon and stayed 2 hours 17 minutes. CyDEAL, not content with the crates, spent 2 hours down there on Sunday morning, and Archer put in 1 hour 49 minutes shortly after midnight on Saturday.

New Arrivals

Two newcomers win purges inside their first ten hours

289 new residents arrived this week, and several of them got straight to work.

Woofer had been on the island 7.8 hours when he won a purge on Tuesday night. Bighead Heikichi did the same on Tuesday morning at 9 hours. Neither had much time to learn the place before the place had to learn them.

The elite crates went early too. suicid3rplay3r1 opened one at Military Tunnel an hour and a half after arriving, while tterb011 at AD10 and mt3 at the Oil Rig each did it at 1.7 hours.

Klepto and WizardYak finished missions eight minutes apart in the early hours of Saturday, at 1.5 and 1.8 hours on the island, and epicdinosaur771 completed one on Tuesday afternoon at 3.3 hours. The paper welcomes them all and suggests the island has noticed.

Business & the Casino

The house opens generously and the wheel stays that way

The slots paid out twice inside 34 minutes on the first night. Ghee Buttersnaps turned a 10 scrap stake into 125, and Agos followed by turning 2 into 25.

At Bandit Camp the wheel kept up the mood. Tom Cruise, who left the last island owning every column on the board, took 730 scrap on Monday, and wizenardvark went one better on Tuesday evening with 840.

Transit

Eleven cars meet the shredder inside half an hour

91 cars went in over the week. Monday evening was when the queue formed.

Somebody fed 11 cars into the shredder on Monday evening, all of them inside half an hour. Over the whole week the machine took 91, at a steadier pace on Sunday, Monday morning and Wednesday. The island has not said where all these cars were coming from, and seems to prefer it that way.

Monuments

The Airfield door finds its regulars early

108 swipes from 25 residents make it the busiest locked door on the new map.

Last issue wondered which door would become the island's quiet obsession. One week in, the answer is a door at the Airfield, swiped 108 times by 25 different residents.

Elsewhere, a puzzle room was solved and then left alone for 20 hours 56 minutes before anyone came back to collect what was inside. It was finally claimed on Wednesday morning, and the room has offered no comment on the wait.

The Farm Report

2eZ | Vegus grows a hemp plant with a near perfect gene line

In the early hours of Friday, 2eZ | Vegus produced a hemp clone carrying the genes GGYYGY, as close to ideal as the island's gardens got this week. It is the kind of plant a farmer keeps cuttings from.

Obituaries

rabidkevin, who harmed nothing, not even a rabbit

rabidkevin lived 7 hours 43 minutes and in that time did not hurt a single living thing, the rabbits included. He spent none of it at a base, so the island saw a great deal of him.

The life ended on Saturday morning. The rabbits have not sent flowers, but they are thought to be grateful.

NoChalzNo, who stayed in

NoChalzNo lived 10 hours 20 minutes and spent 98 percent of it at home, which leaves very little time for the island to have been involved at all. It managed anyway on Monday morning.

The base is said to be in excellent order.

The week’s awards

The Gravity Prize
To Curious George, who fell 1,510 metres and opened his parachute at 35.6, enjoying half a second of it.
The Conscientious Objector
To rabidkevin, who lived 7 hours 43 minutes without harming a thing, not even a rabbit.
Patience of the Week
To AYDEM, who lost 22 spins in a row on Friday afternoon and kept pulling the lever.
Hermit of the Week
To NoChalzNo, who spent 98 percent of a 10 hour 20 minute life at base.
Longest Breath Held
To TinglyMcMoist, who went into the deep on Sunday afternoon and stayed 2 hours 17 minutes.

Resident of the week

AYDEM

22 hours on the island this season

AYDEM loses 22 spins in a row, then the slots remember him

Friday afternoon at the slots began badly for AYDEM. Twenty two spins came and went without a single payout, and anyone watching would have advised him to stop. He did not stop. Two minutes later a stake of 8 scrap came back as 100, and two minutes after that a stake of 10 came back as 200. By the end of the session the count stood at 57 spins and a net of 39 scrap.

Having made the house blink, he took Monday lunchtime off in the deep sea, 62 minutes of it, which is a long way from any lever. In 22 hours this season he has found both the island's patience and its sense of humour, usually in that order.

Weather

  • ThuClear
  • FriShowers
  • SatSqually
  • SunSqually
  • MonPassing showers
  • TueThundery
  • WedSqually

The clear skies of the first day held for exactly that day: Friday brought showers, the weekend and Wednesday turned squally, and Tuesday was thundery, with storm seen in a tenth of the readings.

Watch next week

  • Whether the Airfield door keeps its 25 regulars, or whether another locked door on this map starts drawing you away from it.
  • Whether anyone beats King_Quackers' 31 underwater crates in 15 minutes before the next issue.
  • Whether Curious George opens his parachute any higher than 35.6 metres next time, and whether you are standing underneath when he does.

The BZ Chronicle is drafted by machine from the island’s own event wire and read by a human before it prints. It never prints held wealth, base locations or anyone’s schedule. Rather not be named? Ask in Discord and the paper will leave you out.