All the news the island lets us print
Vol. 2026-10No. 1PvE Zombies edition
The wipe day briefingEarly edition
Tom Cruise leaves the old island owning every column on the board, and a new one opens forty minutes later
Season 2026-09 closed this morning after twenty eight days and 657 residents, the board settling the way it had for weeks. Tom Cruise finished on top of every number the island keeps: 3,453 kills, 1,095 coins looted, and 200 hours and 30 minutes on the clock before the counters stopped. TooBy came in second across the same three columns, and the season handed its closing word to four different residents in turn across its run.
The new map went live at 13:49 with a seed nobody has walked yet, 4,250 meters of coast and forty seven monuments scattered across it, thirty five days on the clock before anyone has to do this again. The first hour was a quiet one, a kit here, a vendor trade there, nothing that will make next week's front page but everything a map needs to start breathing.
Gabrio sold 25 scrap through a vendor before half past two and logged a mission finished minutes later, which is either ambition or a man who knows exactly what he wants from a map that is forty minutes old. Whatever else this wipe becomes, it did not waste its first sixty minutes.
Tom Cruise leaves nothing behind for the next name on the board
Season 2026-09 ran twenty eight days, 3 September to 1 October, and saw 657 residents pass through the gate. The board closed with Tom Cruise on top of every column it keeps: 3,453 kills, 1,095 coins looted and 200 hours and 30 minutes played, all three of them also the wipe's records. TooBy finished second across the same three numbers with 2,814 kills, 590 coins and 192 hours and 48 minutes, Dudefaceguy's 82 hours and 12 minutes were enough for third on the strength of 2,105 kills, and CyanN rounded out the top four with 2,033 kills and 130 hours and 30 minutes. Across the season's run the paper went looking for a resident worth a closer look four times and settled on Jagawatz, ghosted toast, Nubert and BudsMcKenzie in turn.
And so season 2026-09 is filed and done, twenty eight days that turned 657 residents loose on a stretch of coast and asked them to make something of it. Between them they killed something north of a hundred thousand scientists, looted something north of sixty eight thousand barrels, and logged eight thousand and sixty six hours of actually being there, which is either a remarkable commitment or a cry for help depending on how generous the reader is feeling.
Most of that time passed the way these things do, one harvest and one swipe at a time. A few names made themselves hard to ignore anyway. Tom Cruise finished the wipe owning every column the board keeps and, with barely two days left on the clock, fed a casino wheel several thousand scrap and got nothing back for his trouble, a fittingly undignified last act for a man who otherwise did not put a foot wrong all season. Cuttlefish and TooBy traded kills across most of September before Cuttlefish closed the account three to one, and a near identical argument played out elsewhere between Bubbalish and ThAtGuYRMo until ThAtGuYRMo finished it the same way. Two records from further back, a playtime mark and a kill count, outlasted the whole season untouched by anyone still playing.
The island does not mourn its maps. It simply starts another one.
Tom Cruise closed last wipe with 3,453 kills, 1,095 coins and 200 hours and 30 minutes, all three also records for that season. Whether anyone on the new island approaches those marks, or whether they simply stand. Graded in the wipe in review.
Whether this map, with forty seven monuments to spread across, produces a single dominant feud address the way the last one did, or scatters its fights thinner across the coast. Graded in the wipe in review.
Whether the casino wheel produces another single outsized payout to rival last wipe's biggest, or whether the house holds steadier this time around. Graded in the wipe in review.
Whether anyone catches Tom Cruise's finishing numbers from last wipe now that the board has reset to zero for everyone at once.
Which monument on this map becomes the quiet obsession, the door residents keep coming back to the way a couple of them did everywhere else last season.
Whether the clear skies over the island's first day hold, or whether the weather turns squally again before week one is out.