All the news the island lets us print
Vol. 2026-09No. 2PvE Pure edition
Week oneEarly edition
Eight thousand kills, one parachute, and a wheel that gives and takes in the same night
The island's first full week closed with 8,597 scientists and animals put down, a little over 55.4 thousand barrels stripped for scrap, and 311 residents logging a combined 4,332 hours across ground that was still bare coastline a week ago. Card readers took the heaviest traffic of any system on the island, clicking open 1,394 times, while crews cracked 1,013 puzzle rooms and started 366 hidden crates without anyone needing to compare notes.
Not every scene was a number. On Sunday morning DaRK stepped off something high enough to need a canopy, glided 1,538 units through 25 seconds of air and touched down after a deploy at 80.9 metres, the only parachute jump the island logged all week. On the casino floor Katnip ran a wheel session from Saturday night into Sunday that swung a fifty scrap bet up past eight hundred before the table took most of it back, and Nameless Saint, playing it straighter, turned a single 150 scrap bet into a 900 scrap payout early Wednesday morning. Down in the trenches stormnado worked one stretch of seabed hard enough to bring up eighteen crates without surfacing for air, and a puzzle room that opened Wednesday evening held out for just over five hours before anyone cracked it.
The weather ran from a clear Thursday to a thundery Tuesday and back to squalls by Wednesday, the sky turning over roughly once in every four samples on the rough days and clean the rest of the time. Six days in, the island has twenty two left before the map resets.
Card readers click nearly fourteen hundred times as the map fills in
The alarm log was the busiest desk on the island this week: 1,394 keycard swipes, 1,013 puzzle rooms solved, 366 crates started cold. Most puzzles fell quickly, several inside half an hour of their door opening, but the week also produced its outliers: a room that held out for over three hours on Sunday, another past four on Monday, and the Wednesday marathon that ran past five. Ty6xxx put in the most work at the readers themselves, swiping in 134 times across the week, including a routine pass through M16 on Sunday afternoon.
The wheel pays out in the hundreds, then takes it back before sunrise
Katnip's Saturday night session at the wheel was the island's wildest: bets of twenty one, fifty, four hundred scrap, a payout that hit eight hundred, and a slide back down to nothing by half past midnight. Nameless Saint had the tidier night, turning a single 150 scrap bet into a 900 scrap payout early Wednesday, the biggest single win the tables paid out all week. Not everyone left ahead. The slot machines took their share of players in ones and twos, four scrap at a time, for not much back.
Stormnado works the seabed harder than anyone else this week
Between 17:28 and 17:40 on Monday, stormnado pulled eighteen crates off one stretch of seabed without coming up for more than a few seconds between dives, the single busiest underwater session the island logged all week. Alex0ne1 had a session of his own on Sunday night, eleven crates inside seven minutes. Elsewhere the deep stayed a quieter place: eight full traversals across the week, most of them solo trips in and back out inside an hour or two.
Eleven hundred and fifty harvest sessions keep the planters busy
The week's plots turned over corn, hemp, pumpkin, wheat, and four colours of berry, 1,150 harvest sessions in total. Moe put in more time at the planters than anyone else, eighty six harvests across the week, closer to a second job than a hobby. Alongside the harvests, 584 life summaries came in from residents checking in on how long they'd lasted, most of them modest, a handful stretching well past a full day alive.
One parachute jump, one good catch, and a fleet of shredded cars
Fifteen cars went through the shredder this week and 137 scrap sales passed through NPC vendors, bdlus alone accounting for 3,750 scrap sold, the most of anyone. The water was less generous: one fish caught all week, a catfish landed Thursday evening, against three failed attempts, two of them moss's, twelve minutes apart on Friday night. And DaRK's Sunday morning jump, 1,538 units of glide off an 80.9 metre deploy, stands as the only parachute the island logged in seven days.
Jeff sits atop the NPC count with Ty6xxx closing in
This wipe's marks so far both belong to Jeff: 844 NPCs killed and 117.5 hours on the island, the two totals that put him first on the current NPC count with Ty6xxx second at 707 and PJ third at 475. The wider records desk stayed busy too: 914 elite first loots claimed across the week, 49 notes played, and medics logging 21 healings against 20 assists, usually in the same pairs at the same moment.
The week's specialists
Stormnado's eighteen crate dive tops the seabed for the week, and Jeff's 71 elite first-loots make him the busiest looter on the island by a wide margin. Katnip's 65 bets is the largest number of times anyone sat down at the wheel this week, win or lose, and El Agricultor's single life stretching 53.1 hours quietly outlasted everyone else's.
El Agricultor
Friday morning found El Agricultor at the wheel table before most of the island was awake, feeding a fifty scrap bet through the machine at R11 just after one in the morning, cashing out shortly after, and then walking straight over to a vendor to sell 750 scrap without changing pace. Twenty minutes later he was swiping into Q21, and by 2:21 he'd claimed the week's elite loot at M7. Four systems, one hour, barely a pause between any of them.
The rest of his week ran quieter but longer. Crates opened at M16, M5, V-1, H26, F1, D2 and E2 across six different days, the same handful of grids returned to again and again like a route he'd learned by heart. On Tuesday night a check-in on how long he'd lasted put his current life at just over fifty three hours alive, most of it spent out in the wild rather than at a base, seventy eight scientists down along the way. By the week's last two days he'd traded the crates for the planters, bringing in blue, red, yellow, green and white berries in the space of thirty six hours, one last quiet stretch before the week closed.
Jeff leads the NPC count at 844 with Ty6xxx sitting at 707. Watch whether that gap survives another week of grinding.
Katnip's wheel session swung from twenty scrap to eight hundred and back to nothing in a single sitting. Watch whether the tables stay that generous or start clawing it back for good.
Stormnado's eighteen crate dive set the week's high water mark on the seabed. Watch for whoever tries to beat it.